My life with Asperger’s Syndrome

Posted on August 30, 2013 Updated on August 31, 2013

I know I promised in my comment on the last post that I would be typing up the other experience that I had 16 years ago but I am not ready for that. Instead I want to type up a little bit of my story. I am actually working on trying to write a book but haven’t gotten very far with it yet.

When I was in elementary school my mom knew something was wrong because I wasn’t learning what I needed to in school and they wouldn’t test me to try to figure out what it was. I switched schools when I was going into 3rd grade and the first day of class, my mom brought me in and told my principal and teachers what was going on. They immediately tested me and diagnosed me as having a learning disability. It was not an Asperger’s diagnosis as, at that time, it was believed it was a male only syndrome. Now they are finding out differently.

It wasn’t until I had my first Tonic-clonic (Grand Mal) seizure that we found out one reason why I wasn’t able to learn things in school. It turned out that I was also having Absence (Petit Mal) seizures all through the day making it pretty much impossible for me to retain the information that I heard but didn’t hear at the same time. Absence seizures are brief episodes of staring. Usually lasts less than 10 seconds, but it can be as long as 20. During the seizure, awareness and responsiveness are impaired. People who have them usually don’t realize when they’ve had one. There is no warning before a seizure, and the person is completely alert immediately afterward. The Tonic-clonic seizure is what most people think of when they hear the word “seizure.” An older term for them is “grand mal.” As implied by the name, they combine the characteristics of tonic seizures and clonic seizures. The tonic phase comes first: All the muscles stiffen. Generally, it lasts 1 to 3 minutes. A tonic-clonic seizure that lasts longer than 5 minutes probably calls for medical help. I am so glad that I ended up outgrowing this at age 14. I had 3 Grand Mal seizures and there is no telling how many Petit Mal seizures. After I outgrew it, my mom did research and found that many females who have seizures, have them for a short time before they start their menstrual cycle for the first time and then never have them again. Even after I stopped having, I still never caught up to where my peers were in school. I graduated in the special education program. I graduated with a special diploma.

I still wanted to make it to college because I wanted to do better then my dad. He dropped out of 9th grade. I wanted to push myself to further my education. I found out that before I could not take normal college classes until I got my GED. I feared that my math skills were too bad to ever be able to pass that section and in turn get my GED. I started off by going to free GED classes at my community college. It was while I was sitting in those classes that I found out about the plane crashing into the first twin tower up in NYC. Our instructor let us go home early that day. We pulled my brother out of high school and went home to be together. I don’t remember why but I stopped going to the free GED classes and procrastinated for a while. During the time I was procrastinating, was my heavy gaming years. There were times I stayed up till 7 O’Clock in the morning gaming without my mom knowing about it. Finally a few years later I passed the test the first time! I believe It was 2006 when I finally started college classes. I had to first take a ton of PREP classes because of how I scored on their test. If I had not slacked off a little towards of the end of the time I was in college I would have graduated with a 4.0. So much fell apart that year that I had a hard time concentrating on my schoolwork and homework as well as trying to find another job. I did graduate as a part of an invite only honor society. The only one in my class to do that. The last math class that I took, I was helping other students for the first time in my life!

Somewhere in the time frame of the last 10 years, my little cousin was diagnosed with Asperger’s. My mom and Aunt both are in the medical field and started talking about me after my cousin was diagnosed. They were comparing how each of us handles things and found a lot of similarities. They both decided that I was probably also on the Autism Spectrum. Autism presents itself very differently in males and females. Males usually act out and so they are a behavior problem so they get tested much sooner. Females on the other hand usually blend into the background. Quietly observing from the outside looking in. Most females, unless they are lower functioning, don’t get diagnosed at all or their daughters have to get diagnosed first before they look to the parents. Autism is a spectrum because there are many different levels of functionality and so you have some that are low on the spectrum and some that are very high on the spectrum and can live an almost completely normal life.

Asperger’s syndrome is a difference in thinking. It is not something that can be cured. It is a difference in the way our brains are wired. No two people are the same. There could be other things mixed in making an accurate diagnosis harder, especially in women! I have talked to and read about many women who were on the Autism spectrum that were misdiagnosed their whole lives before the doctors ever came to the conclusion that they were on the spectrum. Most people on the spectrum are still very naive and vulnerable to manipulation and bullying their whole lives. We weren’t born with the automatic instincts that Neurotypical people have. If you are not on the spectrum, you are “Neurotypical.”

I did not become interested in finding out what it meant to me, in my life, to be on the Autism Spectrum until early last year (2012). I finally decided to read as much as I could about Autism Spectrum Disorders and Asperger’s Syndrome. The more I read, the more I felt like these books were talking about me. I didn’t speak until I was 3 years old. Most kids speak long before that. Once I did start to speak, I would only say 2 word combinations. Example: “Mommy, Drink.” The first book that I read that completely related to me was called “Aspergirls.” I felt like this was the answer that I had been searching for my entire life without even realizing I was searching for an answer. I had always wondered why I always felt different from all of my peers. I had always wondered why I couldn’t relate to or talk to my peers.

After reading so much about Asperger’s, I decided to see if there were any support groups or forums for people on the spectrum. I found the best Aspie family anyone on the spectrum could ever ask for. It was there that I also found my wonderful boyfriend who helped me overcome so many things from my past. I hope that I can be able to finish writing my book with a happy ending but until then, I will just write things up here in order to compile my thoughts into one place.

Women, Be aware!

Posted on August 28, 2013 Updated on August 28, 2013

Women, Be aware of men that will think, just because you accepted him as a friend on FB or wherever, that it is an invitation for something more. I learned this firsthand in January. Despite the red flags that went up as we were talking, I went against my first instinct and agreed to more than a friendship. I agreed to come pick him up and go to a remote place with him. I hope that my story that I will type up here will help other women to avoid situations like this and make you more aware of the kind of men that are out there just wanting to take advantage of and manipulate young or otherwise vulnerable women. I will not be using any names here. I just want to post the story.

After church on Sunday January 6th, I received a friend request from a guy from church. Once I accepted his request, we started talking and he told me that he secretly had a crush on me from the first time he saw me. I had gone to sing karaoke a couple times where his sister and her husband were hosting the event. He said if it hadn’t been for the internet, he wouldn’t have otherwise told me. During the first week that we talked, there were many red flags that he sent up. He had just got out of prison in October after a 4 year jolt (I think that is the slang for it). I believe he also said that was the 3rd time he had been in prison. He had been married twice and had a baby with another woman that he didn’t get married to. I should have moved on after all of that right there.

It didn’t take long before he was asking me sexual type questions. For example, he asked if I was a virgin (and I was) and other such questions. It didn’t stop at a few “innocent” questions. For some reason, I agreed to a day of “exploration.” Even though I was 30 years old, I was still very much naive and vulnerable. He had asked me if, during our “exploration,” it would be ok for him to gently have sex with me and I told him no. I did not want to go that far. THAT should have sent me running and made me cut off all communication with him but I still kept talking to him and I still met him one early Monday morning. I went to pick him up from his house and drove to a field close by that he guided me to. The exploration was to give him permission to explore my body. It didn’t help that I showed up in a short spaghetti strap dress with no panties on and no bra. At that point I rarely wore a bra anyway. I had just started my rebellious stage where wearing a bra was concerned. The only time that I wear a bra, even to this day, is once a week to Church.

So, in the field, I had just finished parking the car and he felt down my dress since I didn’t have panties on. After a minute or two we got out of the car and laid out a couple blankets and he went down on me. After a little while, he took his pants down to his ankles. As he was down there, I lost all control and didn’t hold to my set boundaries and before we were done, I was no longer the virgin I started out as that morning when I woke up. We did not have a condom with us so he pulled out before he finished (but that is still no guarantee of not getting pregnant (because of “pre ejaculation”) and certainly no guarantee of no STD’s)

In the week after we barely talked to each other and that Saturday, he met another woman and brushed me off as an easy f#&k after his 4 years without any. I, on the other hand felt used and not worthy to continue living. I turned to my Aspie family on the Aspies Central forum. My aspie mom on there told me not to feel guilty. I hope she doesn’t mind me sharing her advice and show you all not to feel shame if something like this ever happens to you.

Remember, though, that HE didn’t take a damned thing from you: you are as whole & entire a person as you always were. Now, you actually have some of an adult woman’s experience to boot: you have added to who you are & rounded yourself out nicely. Some woman who have been taught these distorted beliefs about sex set themselves up for a lifetime of shame, confusion, loneliness & possible self-hate. Whose agenda does all that prudery serve? Certainly not the young women who are victimized by it. In my 48 yrs I’ve NEVER heard a man bemoan the fact that he ‘lost’ his virginity. I can see someone making the choice to wait until they are emotionally & mentally mature enough to handle being sexually active, but this wait until marriage crap (that mysteriously is only enforced for females *males get to sow their wild oats & the GIRL gets the reputation…) makes no sense. You may NEVER meet the right guy to marry. You may meet him when you’re 50 yrs old. The scary religious trend is for girls to marry the 1st guy who isn’t a mass murderer or Quasi Modo who scrounges up a few bucks for a ring to show off to Daddy. They’re marrying at 17-21 without a clue as to what they’re getting into. They’re typically divorced single mothers before 2 yrs have elapsed. The bible belt right now TODAY holds the highest divorce rate anywhere in the USA. That isn’t conjecture or assumption but a numerical fact. Being forced to equate sex (a biological organic process) with marriage (a sociological invention) is absurd & serves only to shame & control women & vilify sexuality. Virginity in women becomes a commodity to be traded & bartered for (by men). Sex is nor a big woo-woo mystery: a cat, a rabbit & a cow can figure out how to do it. It is a biological process that can be great fun. It does NOT only serve the purposes of reproduction in higher primates: bonobos use it to diminish conflicts, create friendships & social bonds as well as as a pass-time. If all it served was reproduction, no couple with a woman over 45 or so would be sexually active or attractive. No couple with an infertile partner would be sexually active. Also, we would be fertile ALL through the month. You went out, got some experience, had some fun & well, sip some champagne in a hot bubble bath & enjoy the memories!

I was empowered by her wonderful advice and encouragement. I felt like a great gladiator taking on the world like I had never done before. Another major thing that helped me get my head on straight was I started walking every day and watching the sunset. I wrote a lot more often too. One of the guys on Aspies Central is a local and he was there to help comfort me as well. After what happened we met for only the second time in person. Over the course of the next 4 months he helped me unload many things that I had never told anyone about and had buried deep down inside. Piece of advice, DON’T DO THIS! Burying things deep down, without any plan to dig it back up, is not a good thing. Needless to say, as we uncovered things from my past, including this experience, we did a lot of crying together. He made me feel beautiful, truly loved, and needed by someone for the first time in my life.

On May 14th I wrote a letter to the guy I was with in January telling him that I forgive him and I was sorry for the things I said that Saturday after. The only way that was possible was through Jesus Christ. He convicted me that I was not being “Christ-like” about the whole situation and that I need to let it go. I gave him the letter at Church Sunday May 19th. I had to write the letter and give it to him for closure in my own heart and mind. I stopped ignoring him at church (like I had done for 4 months) and he called me for the first time after I gave him the note on May 28th. I was hoping there might be a chance for a friendship. I was in a relationship at that point with the one that was there to comfort me after the whole ordeal. On August 6th and again on August 22 I talked to him again. On the 6th he called me on the phone, during our conversation he said he wished I wasn’t in a relationship because he was horny as hell. On the 22nd it was via chat on FB, He messaged me and asked what I was doing. I told him I was just sitting here waking up. He asked why I wasn’t spending time with my boyfriend and I told him, he was job hunting and that I had needed more time to myself. He then asks me if I am single then and I told him NO. He said something in disappointment and then said he was very horny. I told him I had decided that wouldn’t happen again. He then questions me again, basically asking me, it wouldn’t happen again? I told him I wouldn’t want it to end up going as far as it did again so no. meanwhile, he is completely forgetting that I am in a relationship with someone else. I had just started my monthly red friend the day before. He asks me again, if it wasn’t that time, would I want to hook up. Finally I told him no. too casual for me to do again. I posted on my Aspie forum that he had come on to me twice in the last 2 weeks and got more useful advice from my aspie mom.

Firstly, in the interest of honesty & integrity, I have to say that I think that your religious values may provide you with strength to deal with challenging experiences, ultimately, the person (in this case you) made the decision to speak to this person (be it over the phone, through the internet or by post). From what I know of Christian thinking, Jesus does advocate forgiveness but he never advocated putting oneself in deliberate contact with a person known to be deceitful. Forgiveness may be a religious duty in some cases but it is always a personal choice. If feeling forgiveness towards this person enables you to have some closure & move on, then good! That work for you. You are under no obligation to include this person in the process, though. You can forgive him in your heart & put the matter to rest in your mind without involving him at all. This man is obviously deceptive & grossly disrespectful. I assume that he is aware that you are seeing someone. The fact that he would come onto you knowing that you are in a relationship again speaks volumes about the kind of person he is. He has shown disrespect for you as a person in thinking that you would fool around with him behind Nolan’s back. From what little I know of you from here, I do not think you are either a cheater or a liar like that guy is trying to get you to be. You did not owe him an apology for having called him every name known to humanity in every language you could think of. He earned what he got. You meant well in apologizing because you are being true to your unique values & beliefs. That guy, however, is operating under a very different set of values & beliefs. I’ve been around long enough to have learned much about guys who manipulate young woman. My daughter is in her 20s too & I try to impart thin knowledge to her so she will see guys like him coming from a mile off. It isn’t always easy because deceptive people have dishonest & deceitful intentions that they’re good at concealing behind a mask that can seem sincere. With guys like him, any contact from a girl is something they take as an invitation. Pathetic, but true & he has proven it. Any apologies from him get distorted in his mind into something else. Guys like this take an apology not as a sing of forgiveness & you moving on, which was your honest intention, BUT as a sign that you regret losing him from your life & that you want him back! Now, in light of him having already revealed the kind of person he truly is, I doubt very much that you would invite such a person back into your life so he can have the chance to hurt you again! HE will take it that way. The fact that he came onto you & you told him a firm NO & he chose to disrespect your feelings & try again really shows that he is a jerk who has no real respect for you. The only person who has anything to be ashamed of here is HIM. Women often blame themselves in situations like yours but a young relatively inexperienced woman is no match for a deceptive, experienced grown man. HE is responsible for his dishonesty but does not lack the integrity to be ashamed & change his ways. Guys like this tend to target much younger women who have little experience, no older brothers often no father figure who is in the home & who are vulnerable. There is no shame in being in that position. the shame lies in the hands of exploiters who seek out vulnerable people to take advantage of. Please protect yourself & break off all contact with this guy. Do not send him anything else in writing: printed words are forever & some guys show these letters or messages to anyone who will look: there is no guarantee of your privacy with someone like him. You do not want to give someone like that anything they can use against you later. Please wash him out of your hair once & for all. Do NOT agree to meet with him in person anywhere or for any reason. Please do not feel like you are some kind of a dupe for being tricked by him. Guys like him (& women like that too) are well practiced in the art of trickery. Some are skilled enough to bilk seasoned investors out of their fortunes, they bilk governments, deceive corporations & fool the church! Last week on Discovery ID, they profiled a guy who falsified documents, fooled the Catholic church into believing he was a priest (!) & he was leading a congregation (stealing from the parish) & had them all fooled too. He was no priest: but an escaped felon, a thief & a violent lunatic. Those people who were fooled were not stupid either or weak or cheap or easy or anything else. Just honest people with good intentions. Please forgive yourself, ditch this guy like the trash he is & move on. He’ll never get that lucky again in his life & he knows it: that is partly why he keeps trying to get you again. He does not deserve to even look at you.

Please, anyone who reads this, take her advice and I hope that you learn from my story and avoid any situations like this. I know that I have grown through this experience but I wish I could have learned the lessons that I did some other way. I wish I did not have to learn from this the hard way and I truly hope that others will learn from my experience before something like this happens to them! All the people on Aspies Central had not gotten the complete story yet but I have grown and healed enough to where I want to use my experience to help others avoid experiences like this one.

Bucket List

Posted on June 12, 2013

I started thinking about places I wanted to visit in my lifetime recently. I decided to write them down and then I started thinking about how I will never get to see these places because of how things have been my whole life. I have never been able to go places for the most part and I start to wonder why should I dream about visiting other places around the world? Even though I don’t think I will ever get to visit these places, it’s good to have dreams no matter how bad your situation is.

Asperger’s On The Job

Posted on July 27, 2012

I just started reading another one of Rudy Simone’s books. It’s called Asperger’s on the Job. I’m hoping i can learn some things from it to help me get a job and keep it for a while. So far in the foreword it hasn’t applied to the type of job i want, working on cars in a shop. I hope that there is something in here that will help me with my interview skills. that’s where i seem to fail most.

My Forum

Posted on June 17, 2012

I have a forum and I hope that you will go check it out. I am trying to make it a community type place, not just for people with Aspergers but I won’t allow anyone with AS to be attacked verbally.

http://butterflyscreations.proboards.com

Aspergirls

Posted on June 17, 2012

I am nearly finished reading a book called Aspergirls: Empowering Females with Asperger Syndrome by Rudy Simone. It is the perfect book to learn more about AS in women. The author herself has AS and didn’t know it till her daughter got her diagnosed. Rudy Simone also has written other books about AS in both males and females and also to help in the work place. As i read this book it talks about how I am almost to a T.

Hello world!

Posted on June 4, 2012 Updated on June 4, 2012

Welcome to Butterfly Lady’s Blog! I am new to blogging so it’s going to take me some getting used to it. I wanted this to try to spread the word about Asperger’s in women and how much they may act differently from men who have Asperger’s. It’s more common then you think.