I feel so isolated and alone, I hate not having any friends to talk to or hang out with. The people I do know, don’t want to talk to me, I am such an outcast, even in my own church and none of them know about any of this stuff. why do people have to be this way? I mean, I can’t even reach out to anyone and talk to them about this without being brushed off because they don’t want to listen to me. I felt like that this past weekend with a male I had been reaching out to and talking to who decided he needed a day of isolation but didn’t tell me and so I spent the weekend, worrying, angry, upset, depressed, and suicidal……now I don’t even want to talk to another male ever again. this has been a never ending battle with men to get…

“Rape is different from all other crimes, and it is one of the most insidious. It is the only crime of violence that masquerades as sex. Rape is the wolf lying in grandmother’s bed, wearing her nightgown.” Many people don’t think of it this way. If they did, maybe things would start to change for those affected by this as well as less of it happening in general. None of what has been “accomplished” would have been possible if the men with PTSD due to war, had never come forward and spoke out about what they saw and how that affected them. Women would never have had a chance to be listened to after their traumatic experiences with sexual abuse. It was only after years of research into men’s PTSD that anybody looked into what was called hysteria in women. Many believed that women were “raped” to fulfill “childhood fantasies”…

you know, one thing the guy I talked to outside of walmart said, “I am surprised you can talk to a man at all” he was meaning after what I had already been through. I told him that actually men listen better than women on this particular subject because women DON’T WANT TO KNOW, they just want to pretend things like this don’t happen to “protect themselves” and just brush it off. only SOME women who have actually be through something like this is willing to talk about it. many bury it, probably because so many people told her to move on and because of whatever the rapist said to them, they keep their silence, exactly what the rapist wanted to begin with…….

So I ran into one of the guys I see almost every time I check out through the garden department, when he was on break and we talked for a few minutes, he asked me what I was up to, I said just running errands and then going to head to the library to finish the book I was reading. He asked me what it was, and I told him it was a book by a rape survivor. He said something about that’s kind of intense and I said, yea, my mom doesn’t know this but when I was young I had that happen to me. How can I tell an almost complete stranger but not tell my own mother about what happened to me?

I am nearly finished with the book and I will be adding some things that I read and my thoughts about it. I might read…

After reading this book that I just finished, it makes me so angry at so many people to be the way they are when a rape victim wants to speak out about what has happened to her and how she feels about it. They themselves being just like the rapist, telling them to get over it, move on, your being over dramatic, and all these other bullshit things that are said to rape victims. She went through so much hell even after the time she was abused in her house, by so many people, some friends and family, some strangers in her profession that told her “no one wants to read about that” WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD that they could just tell them to push something so traumatic in a persons life aside, like it never fucking happened!!

I feel like a freaking moron for trusting another male as much as I did to try to find some way to heal these old wounds of mine. I never want to trust another man again. I can’t take this shit anymore, why are so many men, so untrustworthy!?!? WHY CAN’T THEY LEARN TO COMMUNICATE?!?! I mean, yes I need my space sometimes but atleast I try my very best to let people know I want my space for a day or so. That is one thing that pisses me off the most with men, so many of them, when they need their space, just don’t know how to let me in particular know before hand which I in turn get so pissed off at them I just don’t even want to talk to them. Especially if I have been struggling more then usually with something, anything. This has been…

I have still been talking to the last guy who took advantage of me, from time to time (for the most part, I have completely ignored him for 6 months. He claimed he wanted to be my friend when we first started talking, then stepped on the gas and pushed things at lightning speed just to use me and is so full of shit back steping claiming that all he ever wanted was friendship. Here is the last part of an ongoing conversation:

me: it has been a very emotionally taxing week and it was actually triggered by something that you said…..

him:I hope it was meant to help you know how much I care

me: it only roiled up all the hurt and bad feelings starting all the way back to my neighbor.

him: I am glad it is all coming out I meant nothing to ever hurt you